me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]