You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
What
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree