Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Cashiers are always checking me out
this has done me in for some reason
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.