me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.