Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
another case of gang violins
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
even bears disappoint their mothers
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.