ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.