I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.