When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I love the honesty
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.