DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
i love meeting boys on tinder
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.