AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.