If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Pretty much. 🤣
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.