*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.