why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
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I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Many hands make light work
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K