My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
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*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
the icebreaker
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.