My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
just left a huge legacy in there
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am