My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now