My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.