And that about sums it up.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I bet birds love this building.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
choose your gary
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.