I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
That took me a moment.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I hope this email finds you in a well
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.