[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Wait for it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?