i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
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how high up are we talkin’?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?