I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.