People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
The most important meal of the day is the next one
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free