Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.