[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh