My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.