Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.