DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
You Might Also Like
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere