Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.