Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.