This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
X-tra spooky blend
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.