Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You Might Also Like
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Print is alive and well!!!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.