Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*