Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.