I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’ve been drinking.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.