Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
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*clin
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”