Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.