Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”