Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Is this you?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”