My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson