Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Spring of Deception
Science memes
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.