Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal