I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
quarantine day 3
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.