Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭