The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.