I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?