me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.