Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away