Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.