Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.